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From:
http://meretricia.com/news/world_losing_electrons.htm
World Running Out of Electrons, New Report Warns
The world is rapidly running out of electrons, a new report from
environmental action group Earth First warns. They have advocated that
electrons be placed on the endangered sub-atomic particles list.
Electrons are being used in shocking numbers by all consumers of
electricity. The usual scapegoats of the United States and Western
Europe are once again at the top of the list, consuming electrons at a
rate of 900 gigawatts per day. A single digital computer uses electrons
at a rate of approximately 6 billion billion per second, almost equal to
the rate at which the federal deficit is growing. The report predicts a
serious worldwide electron shortage by tomorrow.
A single digital computer uses electrons at a rate of approximately 6
billion billion per second.
Confronted with the report, White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove just
shrugged. "I don't know. We'll worry about it next week," he told
reporters. News of the report sent electronics stocks tumbling to their
lowest level in five hours. Utility company stock, however, soared, as
the price of electrons doubled to over three dollars a gallon.
The Earth First report recommends the immediate closure of all electron
drilling, refining, and distributing operations, and a reversion back to
the cave-man life style. Critics called their recommendations "somewhat
drastic".
Al Gore's "Alliance for Climate Protection" has called for the
development of alternative energy carriers. Protons have been
considered, but they are some 2000 times more massive than electrons and
tend to clog the wires. Gore and the other democratic candidates have
ignored neutrons, as they rarely vote anyway. The neutrons we surveyed
had no opinion on the matter. The Alliance has also proposed the
construction of a new sub-atomic particle to replace the dwindling
electron supply. However, new sub-atomic particles are expensive, as
they are often patented and cannot presently be assembled in Taiwan or
Malaysia. American supercollider operators are working on better ways to
export the technology, to prevent too much work being done in the United
States.
As the number of negative charges decreases, the entire earth becomes
more electropositive, contributing to Global Positivism. While the
Democrats favor a more negative planet, the Bush administration has
touted the benefits of Positivism. For example, hostile aliens who
traveled to earth from a more electronegative world would be "posicuted"
(a generally fatal process similar to electrocution and watching Barney)
as soon as they stepped out of their flying saucers. However, friendly
aliens would suffer the same fate. It is not yet known whether most
aliens are friendly or hostile, but science fiction authors seem to
favor the latter view.
The electron is not the first sub-atomic particle to be driven to
annihilation or near-extinction by human activities. The tachyon, for
example, was killed off by Einstein and his philosophy of special moral
relativity, which permitted the extermination of non- conforming
particles. The previously often hypothesized magnetic monopole was
spotted once in the wild but has never been seen again by confirming
researchers. The strange quark has a half-life of only 1 nanosecond and
currently cannot reproduce outside of magnetic captivity. There is, at
any given time, an average of less than one left in the whole world.
http://meretricia.com/news/world_losing_electrons.htm
World Running Out of Electrons, New Report Warns
The world is rapidly running out of electrons, a new report from
environmental action group Earth First warns. They have advocated that
electrons be placed on the endangered sub-atomic particles list.
Electrons are being used in shocking numbers by all consumers of
electricity. The usual scapegoats of the United States and Western
Europe are once again at the top of the list, consuming electrons at a
rate of 900 gigawatts per day. A single digital computer uses electrons
at a rate of approximately 6 billion billion per second, almost equal to
the rate at which the federal deficit is growing. The report predicts a
serious worldwide electron shortage by tomorrow.
A single digital computer uses electrons at a rate of approximately 6
billion billion per second.
Confronted with the report, White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove just
shrugged. "I don't know. We'll worry about it next week," he told
reporters. News of the report sent electronics stocks tumbling to their
lowest level in five hours. Utility company stock, however, soared, as
the price of electrons doubled to over three dollars a gallon.
The Earth First report recommends the immediate closure of all electron
drilling, refining, and distributing operations, and a reversion back to
the cave-man life style. Critics called their recommendations "somewhat
drastic".
Al Gore's "Alliance for Climate Protection" has called for the
development of alternative energy carriers. Protons have been
considered, but they are some 2000 times more massive than electrons and
tend to clog the wires. Gore and the other democratic candidates have
ignored neutrons, as they rarely vote anyway. The neutrons we surveyed
had no opinion on the matter. The Alliance has also proposed the
construction of a new sub-atomic particle to replace the dwindling
electron supply. However, new sub-atomic particles are expensive, as
they are often patented and cannot presently be assembled in Taiwan or
Malaysia. American supercollider operators are working on better ways to
export the technology, to prevent too much work being done in the United
States.
As the number of negative charges decreases, the entire earth becomes
more electropositive, contributing to Global Positivism. While the
Democrats favor a more negative planet, the Bush administration has
touted the benefits of Positivism. For example, hostile aliens who
traveled to earth from a more electronegative world would be "posicuted"
(a generally fatal process similar to electrocution and watching Barney)
as soon as they stepped out of their flying saucers. However, friendly
aliens would suffer the same fate. It is not yet known whether most
aliens are friendly or hostile, but science fiction authors seem to
favor the latter view.
The electron is not the first sub-atomic particle to be driven to
annihilation or near-extinction by human activities. The tachyon, for
example, was killed off by Einstein and his philosophy of special moral
relativity, which permitted the extermination of non- conforming
particles. The previously often hypothesized magnetic monopole was
spotted once in the wild but has never been seen again by confirming
researchers. The strange quark has a half-life of only 1 nanosecond and
currently cannot reproduce outside of magnetic captivity. There is, at
any given time, an average of less than one left in the whole world.
