OT: A joke

J

JW

Guest
Got this in an email, figured some might enjoy this one.

Dear Diary

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It's so beautiful
here. The lake looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow
covered. I'm going to love it here!

October 14 - Massachusetts is definitely the most beautiful place on
earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful.
Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be
paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!

November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting
to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent
multicolored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will
be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until
they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's
final raking it's over for this season.
Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only
four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the fuck? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had
a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll
just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything
blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned
the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I
won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the
driveway again.
What a beautiful place. I Love Massachusetts!

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick
to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway.
Can't to get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing
with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my
hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow
hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the
driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get
my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill
the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt
the fucking ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days
except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every
time. Fucking gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.
Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is
probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of
white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit
tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that
white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer. The plow got stuck
up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel.
After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he
pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his fucking head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car.
Did about $3000 damage. Fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the
hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from
all the fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to St. Augustine, Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in
their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of
Massachusetts with a bunch of MASSHOLES!!!
 
On Tue, 01 Feb 2011 06:19:54 -0500, JW <none@dev.null> wrote:

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's
final raking it's over for this season.
Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only
four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.
Click to expand...
It is rather funny, but I solve such problem differently. I'm sorry
that it's not funny.

I wait until the leaves have fallen and mow the lawn with the grass
output closed. It chops up all the dry leaves until they fall between
the grass and you can't even see them and comes close with the not dry
leaves. If you don't have a mulching attachment, you can tape a
business size envelope or a piece of cardboard over the outlet. It
works just as well.

My neighbors rake and plastic bag the leaves and put them
out for the garbage man who fills landfills sith them. They
also bag the grass cuttings. What a waste. And it fertilizes
the soil to put everything back where it came from.

As to snow, when I was a teenager, we had a 120 foot driveway. I just
shoveled a path for each tire and it was up to my mother to follow
them. She did. Also the sidewalk, just wide enough to walk.

My neighbors all shovel the whole width of the driveway and
the whole width of the sidewalks. even though no law requires it.
I think they're silly.
 
On Tue, 01 Feb 2011 08:06:45 -0500, mm <NOPSAMmm2005@bigfoot.com>
wrote:


As to snow, when I was a teenager, we had a 120 foot driveway. I just
shoveled a path for each tire and it was up to my mother to follow
them. She did. Also the sidewalk, just wide enough to walk.
Click to expand...
That would not work around here--when the snow gets to 30 to 40 inches
deep that two tire track won't work one bit. <g>
 
On Feb 1, 5:19 am, JW <n...@dev.null> wrote:

Kinda old...how about a Steelers story?

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest.

I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the
priest,
"Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the
road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down
the road.

Suddenly, I saw a Pittsburgh fan walking down the road, with that "P"
shirt
on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I
swerved back
into the road just in time.

Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a
loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise ame from, I glanced in my mirrors
but still
didn't see anything.

I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest
and said,

"Sorry Father, I almost hit that Pittsburgh fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
 
January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the
store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer
that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Fucking
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.
Click to expand...
Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no useful purpose other than as
wolf fodder.
 
On Tue, 01 Feb 2011 08:30:35 -0500, PeterD <peter2@hipson.net> wrote:

On Tue, 01 Feb 2011 08:06:45 -0500, mm <NOPSAMmm2005@bigfoot.com
wrote:



As to snow, when I was a teenager, we had a 120 foot driveway. I just
shoveled a path for each tire and it was up to my mother to follow
them. She did. Also the sidewalk, just wide enough to walk.

That would not work around here--when the snow gets to 30 to 40 inches
deep that two tire track won't work one bit. <g
Click to expand...
We hire a snow removal service for our cabin. It might be hard to dig
tire tracks into 8 feet of packed snow. I do have to dig out the dryer
vent, 8 feet above ground level but fortunately under the roof
overhang, on the south side; and the windows of the mud room on the
north side, 12 feet up maybe. I let my wife shovel the decks.

John
 
Greegor <greegor47@gmail.com> wrote in news:0968ed5a-0d10-4509-a65b-
21a4c1019659@u11g2000prk.googlegroups.com:

WS > Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
WS > useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

Deer (venison) pot roast is good, and deer hamburger is great in
chili.
Click to expand...
He has, obviously, never eaten a venison steak just after it has been taken
off the barbie.....(c;]
 
WS > Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
WS > useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

Deer (venison) pot roast is good, and deer hamburger is great in
chili.
 
Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

Deer (venison) pot roast is good, and deer hamburger
is great in chili.

He has, obviously, never eaten a venison steak just after
it has been taken off the barbie.....(c;]
Click to expand...
I was thinking in evolutionary terms. But I have nothing against brutally
killing Bambi's mother, ripping the still-warm flesh from her bones, and
roasting her. Die, forest vermin!

I once suggested to the head of Broderbund a game called "Bambi Blasters",
in which you kill deer with a variety of increasingly powerful weapons. He
thought it very funny, but declined to produce it. God, how I hate deer.

The "Bambi" Blu-ray is due out on 3/1. Walt Disney was an animal lover, and
"Bambi" reflects an anti-hunting attitude -- or more precisely, a view that
humans are responsible for the morally reprehensible things (as judged by
Disney) that happen in the forest.

The Disney film is a "cycle of life" story, a major change from the novel,
Disney specifically asking the animators to ignore the novel and go with his
approach. * The book (which I really ought to read) was for adults, and
apparently had political elements which Disney discarded. (The Nazis banned
it.)

One of the criticisms levelled against the film is that it doesn't
acknowledge the fact that some animals are carnivores. One reviewer remarked
that the owl wouldn't have sat around talking with the other animals -- he
would have swooped down and grabbed one of the bunnies.

The bare plot of the film and book are quite similar, though.
 
In article <ii95ie$1aa$1@news.eternal-september.org>,
grizzledgeezer@comcast.net says...
January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the
store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer
that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Fucking
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.

Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no useful purpose other than as
wolf fodder.
Click to expand...
They make really great jerky and tacos.
 
William Sommerwerck wrote:

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the
store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer
that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Fucking
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.

Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no useful purpose other than
as wolf fodder.
Click to expand...
But they're so CYOOOOOOOOOT!

;-)
Rich
 
Greegor wrote:

WS > Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
WS > useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

Deer (venison) pot roast is good, and deer hamburger is great in
chili.
Click to expand...
Once, on a weekend at my brother's cabin, my nephew-in-law (husband
of my brother's daughter) brought some venison. It was good. I had
a serving of heart meat, and it was delicious, and had no grain!

It was a lot like gizzard, which I also find quite tasty, and grain-
free. :)

Cheers!
Rich
 
Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

They make really great jerky and tacos.
Click to expand...
How do they hold the knives and taco shells?
 
William Sommerwerck wrote:
Deer are a kind of forest vermin that serve no
useful purpose other than as wolf fodder.

Deer (venison) pot roast is good, and deer hamburger
is great in chili.

He has, obviously, never eaten a venison steak just after
it has been taken off the barbie.....(c;]

I was thinking in evolutionary terms. But I have nothing against brutally
killing Bambi's mother, ripping the still-warm flesh from her bones, and
roasting her. Die, forest vermin!

I once suggested to the head of Broderbund a game called "Bambi Blasters",
in which you kill deer with a variety of increasingly powerful weapons. He
thought it very funny, but declined to produce it. God, how I hate deer.

The "Bambi" Blu-ray is due out on 3/1. Walt Disney was an animal lover, and
"Bambi" reflects an anti-hunting attitude -- or more precisely, a view that
humans are responsible for the morally reprehensible things (as judged by
Disney) that happen in the forest.

The Disney film is a "cycle of life" story, a major change from the novel,
Disney specifically asking the animators to ignore the novel and go with his
approach. * The book (which I really ought to read) was for adults, and
apparently had political elements which Disney discarded. (The Nazis banned
it.)

One of the criticisms levelled against the film is that it doesn't
acknowledge the fact that some animals are carnivores. One reviewer remarked
that the owl wouldn't have sat around talking with the other animals -- he
would have swooped down and grabbed one of the bunnies.

The bare plot of the film and book are quite similar, though.
Click to expand...

Have you ever seen 'Bambi meets Godzilla'? :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0dpk619oTM&feature=related

Or the sequel?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9pXq1OKSMw&feature=related
--
You can't fix stupid. You can't even put a band-aid on it, because it's
Teflon coated.
 
Have you ever seen 'Bambi meets Godzilla'? :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0dpk619oTM&feature=related

Or the sequel?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9pXq1OKSMw&feature=related
Click to expand...
I have. It's just what the little bugger deserves...
 
God, how I hate deer.

Did you once hit one with your car? Are you a gardener?
What's the deal?
Click to expand...
Deer are stupid, useless animals. That's why I hate them.
 
"William Sommerwerck" <grizzledgeezer@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:iia15d$hck$1@news.eternal-september.org...
God, how I hate deer.

Did you once hit one with your car? Are you a gardener?
What's the deal?

Deer are stupid, useless animals. That's why I hate them.


It seems you've never tasted them. I love venison.
Click to expand...
Art
 
On Feb 1, 6:45 am, Bob Villa <pheeh.z...@gmail.com> wrote:
On Feb 1, 5:19 am, JW <n...@dev.null> wrote:

Kinda old...how about a Steelers story?

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest.

snip
Click to expand...

I see you characters don't like "real" football. *L*
 
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